Baruch Hashem: Let's Get It On

As Julie and I were talking this evening, it occurred to us that there is no brachah (blessing) for sex. Neither before nor afterward. Or in any case, if there is such a brachah, neither of us ever encountered it (I know they sure didn't teach us that one for the brachah bee we held at the frum day school I attended, though in retrospect I would've loved to see those rabbis try to teach that).

Which is strange. Because everything has brachot. Eating. Drinking. Seeing different people. Seeing natural phenomena of every variety. Scents. Rituals. Lifecycle events. Learning Torah. Even going to the bathroom has a brachah (a great one, too). Why not sex? Sex is awesome. It's crazy that something that awesome has no brachah attached to it-- the whole point of brachot is to remind ourselves every experience we have is something we should thank God for, since He made this amazing universe. Why should sex be different?

And on further reflection, sex really needs a brachah-- much more so, than, say, thunder and lightning. Nobody takes thunder and lightning lightly (if you'll forgive the expression): it's a stark reminder of the power of nature, and we know Who's responsible for it. I'm not saying we shouldn't bentsch (say the blessing) sheko'cho u'gevurato malei olam ("...Whose power and might fill the world") the next rainstorm, but that if something so seemingly superfluous gets a brachah (and, again, a good one), why not sex, which people are constantly taking lightly?! A brachah over sex could really help people refocus their kavanah (intention), and remember that sex is more than just fun with moving parts.

Plus, even for those old married folks like us, who may not necessarily be taking sex as lightly as some swingin' singles out there, a sex brachah would still be nice: it would help us be reminded of what a miracle and joy it is that we found a partner we can enjoy not just ritual and lifecycle occasions with, but the same delights that caused the creation of the Song of Songs (although usually with a little less sheep and goat imagery).

And, let's not forget, sex and spirituality are not mutually exclusive. Sex is intimacy, no matter how you look at it. And any intimacy is a chance for people to glimpse in one another the spark of the divine. That's just got to deserve a brachah.

I suppose one could say asher yatzar, since sex is a physical act of release. But that just seems so...clinical. And I guess one could say shehecheyanu, but that's really supposed to be for infrequent occasions, first times, or things one has not experienced in a long time. I don't think I'd want to hold out long enough for shehecheyanu to be applicable. Besides, it's over-used: shehecheyanu is kind of the shehakol (the brachah recited over food or drink for which one does not know the proper brachah, or which do not fit other brachot) of experiential brachot. Some of the sheva brachot (the brachot recited for marriage) seem likely candidates, content-wise, but I rebel at the idea of appropriating them, since they are so locked into their context. Besides, there could be halachic issues for single people reciting one or more of them before sex, since it could appear then that the sex is bi'ah l'shem kiddushin (sex for the purposes of effecting marriage), and that could cause problems. I think new brachot, just for sex, are needed.

So I'm throwing this project out there to the Jewish world. Brachot for sex.

Just to be fair, I have drafted my own suggestions. These are just a first draft, nothing more. And, yes, before anyone points it out to me, I am aware that the second part is hetero-oriented. I could try to come up with another one for gay sex, but I feel like maybe some nice GLBT rabbi might want to take a crack at it, and might well be better at it than I, since they'll have a better idea of what it's like to thank God for gay sex than I would. I know some might suggest uniform, orientation-free formulations so all say the same brachot, but I just don't think it's necessary: I don't think there's anything wrong with people saying different brachot for very different experiences. After all, we say a different brachah for smelling a fragrant spice, a fragrant herb, or a fragrant tree. And I think different kinds of sex are way more different than variations in fragrant scents.

So here goes:

לפני שמתחילים:

ברוך אתה ה' אלוהינו מלך העולם אשר ברא את האדם ונטע בו יצר לחפס רעים אהובים.

Before sex (this one should be short, or no one will take the time to say it):
You are blessed, Hashem, sovereign of the universe, who created humanity, and implanted within them a desire to seek out loving companions.

אחרי שגומרים:

ברוך אתה ה' אלוהינו מלך העולם אשר ברא את האדם בחכמה ובחמלה במינים שונים, ונתן בהם אהבה ותאבה, לחפס ולמצוא כל אחד בשני את צלם יוצרם וטעם גן עדן ופרדס. ברוך אתה ה' יוצר האדם לשמחה.

After sex (yes, sex should have a brachah acharonah. But let's not even get into a brachah me'ein shalosh for sex...):

You are blessed, Hashem, sovereign of the universe, who, with wisdom and mercy, created humanity in different genders, and put into them love and desirous appetites, that they seek and find within one another the image of God and a taste of Eden and Paradise. You are blessed, Hashem, who makes people for joyfulness.

Nu? It's a start.

-Ami

Don’t be shocked. Don’t be surprised. Be aware.

In the wake of the George Zimmerman verdict the day before yesterday, and the Melissa Alexander verdict (who received 20 years for firing a warning shot, in her own home, to try and warn off her abusive estranged husband who was violating his restraining order), my Facebook and Twitter feeds and email inbox exploded with expressions of shock and outrage from many of my (mostly white and Jewish) acquaintances.

And I confess, I am shocked. Not at the verdicts. At my acquaintances.

I understand anger at the verdicts: both were manifestly miscarriages of justice, products of a broken system. But shock? Outcries of surprise that these things could happen? Really?

I want to ask these people where they’ve been living, because if they’re surprised that these things happened in America, they clearly haven’t been living here. Ever.

Injustices like these verdicts don’t happen in a vacuum. They don’t spring forth, sudden incursions from some obscure hell of malicious occurrences. They are inevitabilities in a society where the powerful and wealthy upper classes of one skin color and gender persistently curb, restrain, oppress, harass, and subjugate the lower classes, the other skin colors, and the opposite gender.

I question the shock and outrage on anyone’s Facebook status or email or tweet or anything else if they aren’t consistently-- if not daily-- posting or tweeting their shock and outrage over things like:

• Egregious disparities in the funding of education for minority and low-income areas and students.

• An unconscionably high prison population disproportionately made up of people of color.

• The under-funding and under-maintaining of hospitals and public health care in low-income areas.

• The media bias on reporting crimes against white people vigorously, and ignoring crimes against people of color unless they can be sensationalized for some other reason.

• The double-edged sword of affirmative action, wherein students of color who so seek to improve their chances of bettering themselves through education are then questioned by all and sundry as to their intellectual or professional qualifications.

• The consistent defunding and underfunding of social services geared toward providing aid to low-income citizens, who are disproportionately people of color-- from food assistance to housing assistance to employment assistance.

• Extreme toleration of corporations abusing low-income labor-- which is disproportionately made up of people of color, immigrants, and women.

• Toleration of suppression of organized labor, which disproportionately affects the poor and the lower middle classes, who are disproportionately of color.

• Draconian mandatory minimums for crimes which unfairly target low-income and minority demographics, often selectively enforced either as a result of cronyism or simply the result of inadequate public defender or free legal aid services. This is especially true of drug-related offenses, for which white, upper middle-class or wealthy defendants more often get reduced sentences and opportunities for addiction counseling and rehabilitation, and poor defendants of color more often get harsh prison sentences.

• Disproportionate lack of people of color and women in high levels of government and of corporate administration.

• Tolerance of financial crises created by wealthy institutions dominated by white men, which disproportionately affect poor people, especially people of color.

 

If these things and a giant panoply of others like them aren’t on your daily radar, and discussion of them doesn’t constitute part of your regular set of publicly vocalized sociopolitical opinions, then your posted outrage over the occasional more dramatic injustice that the media is willing to cover rings a little hollow.

I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t comment on what’s going on, or condemn it, unless we fit an incredibly vigorous profile of activism-- that just isn’t a reasonable expectation for most people’s lives. But don’t be shocked. Don’t be surprised. Be aware.

Maybe there’s not much many of us can do about it-- sign some petitions, give to some causes, try to be unprejudiced in our daily lives-- but let’s not fool ourselves about the society we live in. Even if we can’t do much on a daily basis, we can at least walk around with open eyes, and teach our children to do the same. We can at least not pretend that our society is just, and that intolerance in America is something we read about in history books, or that only happens in far-flung rural areas.

Most of us aren’t full-time activists or even part-time movers and shakers for social change-- myself absolutely included. And I’m not necessarily suggesting we should be. But true change requires more than activism and fundraising and political lobbying. True change requires a shift in the worldview of the majority of Americans. And like any problem, the solution begins by accepting the truth of the problem. American society is unjust. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t more unjust societies out there-- there are. But their existence doesn’t obviate the injustice in America. And if we do nothing else, let’s at least admit that that’s the truth, and not be surprised when we see it in action.

-Ami